The Call Process

Oh my goodness, the call process...

Alright, everyone. Having just been through the receiving of FIVE different calls throughout the country and the final acceptance of ONE, here are my thoughts on the call process. Please keep in mind that because I'm a pastor's wife and daughter, I offer the "other side" perspective and will say things here that if I were a member of the congregation or call committee I would say anyway, but can't because, well, I'm the pastor's wife and a pastor's daughter. All of these thoughts are from my own experience and may or may not reflect truth in YOUR individual experiences. So here's the truth about my experience straight from the horse's mouth:

First, the call process is not exciting. It's a burden... at least at first. The first call Scott received was to a church in New Jersey. The moment he hung up the phone my stomach dropped. It didn't drop because I didn't want to go to New Jersey, it dropped because in that moment TWO congregations were convinced that Scott was to be their pastor and it was entirely up to the two of us to discern that to be true or not and then decide. That's not something to take lightly. Worse yet, and allow me to explain, everyone considers it a "divine" call. So, God's in the mix. Why can this be crazy? Because a group of Christians have gotten together and think God is calling you to them. And yet, another group of Christians called you 3.5 years ago and are pretty sure God still wants you here with them. And then there's Scott and I and the way we feel and think and then there's our family and friends and they way they feel and think.. and pretty soon you've got 500 Christians, if not more, all thinking and feeling different things about where God wants you! How is that NOT confusing and burdensome?! What makes YOU right over another Christian? What makes THEM wrong? The people of God are, albeit peacefully, divided. And this is a "divine" call. Not fun. Not exciting. A burden... at least at first.

Secondly, churches be VERY aware. There are certain dead giveaways as to how you view ministry and the bumps and bruises that will come should someone accept your divine call and come and serve you. Let's start with a HUGELY obvious area: finances. "Where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also." Churches, please hear me out on this one! Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT make the pastor and his family front all of the expense to come and see you and then when you have the opportunity to reimburse him while he's physically present with you (because he's already mailed you the flight info with cost), you choose not to get him his check.

*A digression and explanation: Scott and I live in the mountains. It is VERY hard to get out of here and to get back in, so we booked all our travel ourselves and were reimbursed. There was no other way of doing this to make it work. I totally get that and fully support us needing to do that. I'm talking about people who live next to a major airport who would also be flying into another major airport. In certain situations like ours, I'd say to the churches watch the pastor closely and see whether or not he's willing to front the expense to get out to visit you and his holistic attitude about having/needing to do that, for that will also tell YOU a great deal about HIM. For use as a tangible example in our situation: we are leaving for California Thursday to attend my Grandmother's funeral. We are driving to Denver (a 3 hour one-way drive) because my parents could get us out of the Denver airport for under $400 while flying us out of the nearest airports (Vail or Aspen) couldn't be anything less than $1700 - even with bereavement fares. Location, location, location... So, booking travel from where we are, all three times we needed to do so, cost us at the cheapest $998 each time and all these trips took place within 6 weeks of each other. We try to be very responsible with our finances, but were definitely squeezed to put about $4000 of our own money towards visitation (flights, gas, food, hotel, extended parking, etc.) within a 6 week period of time. Again, my point is, the called person and the calling body's attitude towards how to handle these situations tells you A LOT.*

Back to the point. With one church we visited we had sent them the flight info and all that an entire week before we came out there. We were out there for three days, were told a check would be given to us before leaving, but then had to wait another week after we got home to receive reimbursement. While there, we sat down with the financial board and saw plainly that the church was in no hurt for money, there was an abundance and all the people who's signatures and approval were needed were present to do so, but it never happened. The salary they offered Scott was also $2000 above the poverty line... with plenty of money in the bank. So then the question has to be asked: why would you do that to someone you want to build a life together with? Scripture tells us to not hold back a man's wages overnight. While there, it became evident as well that their attitude towards reimbursing us was very similar to their attitude towards finances in that place in general - and that's not good. They lived holding on to their money as long as they possibly could and then begrudgingly gave it up. And that's my point. Their money in the bank was their god and their love. They weren't going to give up their money or love until they absolutely had to. I am grateful Christ doesn't feel the same way about His love and forgiveness. Churches and church workers be aware: the way people handle money tells you a GREAT DEAL about how they view the ministry.

A third observation: Language

Now, I truly believe all language to be shorthand and could give you a lengthy lecture about the "conceptual signified" and all that, but that would simply confirm the nerd I am, so I'll be plain. :-)

The language used by the leadership and the rest of the congregation tells you a GREAT DEAL about how they view the ministry. Are they confident when the speak about Christ? Are they humble? Are they loving to people who are politically different from them (with the election this year it was AMAZING to hear the good, bad, and the ugly straight out of Christian's mouths!)? But, maybe more important than all of that is how they speak about the present. There were a couple congregations that called Scott who only spoke about the past. They made sure the first time they met us we knew that they had been members in that place for over 40 years, or their grandfather was the person to break ground on the old sanctuary, etc. Now, it's not that remembering our history is not important, it's a matter of whether or not the congregation operates from where they were and not were they want to be. Is Christ still calling? Or has He left and gone somewhere else? Unless a congregation can stop living in the past, they will never be ready for the present or the future. They might realize they need to think differently or try something new, but they aren't actually ready to do so until their language reflects that desire. I'm serious. Listen to the way people talk. Ever taken a course on anthropology of languages? The words we use reflect what's going on inside of us and also simultaneously create or reinforce thoughts that may or may not yet be present. That's a fascinating reality. We can create attitude through language! Even more fascinating is when you begin to think about how Yahweh created with WORDS!!! But that's an entirely different, and exhaustingly geeky blog, too... :-) So, yes, my point here is to listen and listen carefully. It tells you a GREAT DEAL. Oh! And if you're greeted by an elder whose first words to you are about making sure you know that the communion schedule is HIS schedule and will not be changed in any way, shape, or form EVER, that might tell you a bit about where a congregation's focus is, too. Just saying...

Alright, so I've mentioned the burden of the decision, finances, and language. One last observation before I sum up.

Give and take.

Watch how the congregation seeks to put you at ease. Watch how they seek to care for you. Do they exploit you while you are with them, or are they protective of you? Are they already putting you on a holy pedestal or are they interested in knowing you as people? The moment we were greeted in the airport by one congregation it became clear to us that should we accept the call to their congregation, they would expect me to be a quilter, quiet and submissive, and be barefoot and pregnant as soon as possible. Now, to be fair, I have quilted a queen-sized quilt with my wonderful cousin, but cannot call myself a quilter. I'd like to think I honor my husband (Scott chime in here anytime...), but I don't think I outwardly come across as "quiet" and "submissive." I am a performer. I love to sing and dance and act and hike and laugh and read theology and have meaningful relationships and prefer there to be a lot of noise around for the majority of the day. I am the essence of "the more, the merrier." This congregation would not like me. In fact, I could cause great distress there because they would not be used to me - and that's something that needs to be taken into consideration as well. Why cause problems when you don't have to? You should never feel like you have to force a good fit. People can get hurt when you do. Wives of pastors: I get it. I really do. I believe there are times when denial of self is the only best thing to do. I truly believe that. As proof, I worked for 6 months for our preschool for free because they needed it. However, I was never asked to lie about my motivations, the ups and downs, my thoughts or my feelings. When we teach each other to refrain or deny self, we must be incredibly vigilant that we aren't encouraging each other to lie. Christ is truth. In Him there is no darkness at all. The Body is called to know and be fully known. How can we fully know ourselves and our neighbor if we lie? If we hide parts of ourselves we are never fully allowing ourself to be fully known. Instead we allow only "parts" of ourselves to be known, while other parts must remain hidden. This makes for disaster and inauthenticity. Pastors, wives, and ministry families and peoples: you are servants, yes... but you are not liars. Congregations: Christ has set us free. There is no need to be in control of anyone, or to force them to conform to YOUR ideal role. Let the Holy Spirit do what He promises to do. At this same congregation it became clear that they didn't want Scott to use his gifts and abilities; they wanted him to be exactly what THEY wanted. Think of a relationship that could lead to marriage. Do you want to marry someone you hope becomes what you want them to become one day, or do you want to marry someone for who they clearly are? Don't force a good fit.

So, confession time. These are just some of my observations. Scott and I are the kind of people who want to give a people our lives. We want to know and be fully known. We want to act in confidence because we know the people we serve have our backs. We want the people we serve to know that their pastor and his whole family have their backs, too. We consider it a great joy and privilege to be there when there is life, when there is death, when someone is arrested or stands before a judge, to be the person to make the announcement, or to jump in front of the bullet. My husband wants to be a good shepherd, not a hired worker. And as his wife, I want to do whatever I can to let the people we serve know that we love them unconditionally and they need not feel bad if my husband is called away in the middle of the night. Now, we have learned, as people so willing to give of ourselves, we need to serve people who respect that and also seek to protect us. The word "boundaries" comes to mind. :-) And this leads me to our experience with Trinity Lutheran Church in Keene, New Hampshire.

These people have been praying for us daily since September. They have provided for us, protected us, and been incredibly accommodating to us from the beginning. While visiting them they asked us about us. They were excited to hear about my interests and one lady even sat me down and made it a point to tell me that I was important, too. That yes, I was following my husband across the country, but that I mattered and needed to know that the people here knew that and wanted to honor that. As a pastor's wife with 5 calls in 2 months, that's the only time that conversation ever took place. They made sure we were back at our hotel at a decent time so we could get enough sleep. They were incredibly transparent with us. No question was off limits. They didn't try to make themselves seem "better" than they were, nor was there a false sense of humility. They were just honest. To give you a sense of what the culture is like there: the principal is earning his doctorate and his dissertation is focused on emotional intelligences and how teachers can help children better understand what's going on inside themselves so they feel more healthy and less crazy. I mean, seriously, how awesome is that?! What inspired him to do that was reading another Lutheran's dissertation in which they claim that Lutheran schools produce emotionally healthy and stable children solely because of Lutheran Doctrine. (Are there any Lutheran educators reading this who have witnessed children in Lutheran schools who are NOT emotionally healthy or stable? Who have seen them expelled from a Lutheran school? Who have recommended counseling? Or, who in fact have known ANYONE who IS emotionally healthy and/or stable and is NOT a Lutheran? Yeahhhhhh..... me, too.) But I digress!!!

The majority of the people there are actively involved in a bible study - and these studies are all lay-led. They built a new sanctuary without a pastor. They pray together. They are patient and deliberate and if they are going to do something, they are going to do it right. They have taken IMMACULATE care of their parsonage. Their language is filled with grace, confidence, and peace.  They are gentle. No one spoke about the past unless we asked them about their history - they are the most future-focused congregation I have ever encountered. One of their elders sat us down and told us that should we come, everyone is going to be so excited that everyone is going to want our attention and time and that we should feel entirely fine with setting boundaries, taking our day off, and not burning ourselves out in three months. He was telling us that he wants us to remain healthy. He may not have realized it, but he was really telling us that he respected us. He was telling us that he would have our backs, even as we would have his. These people are concerned about Christ above anything else. Yes, they are sinners same as you and me, capable of utter destruction and pain, but God made it clear to us that they are our new family. They speak our language. They share our heart. It's a good fit, no forcing needed. They want Scott to be Scott and Becca to be Becca. And we want them to be them. We will grow together.

So while I can't say I "enjoyed" the call process, I am humbled and truly amazed at what Yahweh taught us through this process and view it as entirely worth it. And though it IS a burden, it is a burden that is worth it in the end. Going through the call process I have become much more aware of the entire Body, rather than just pieces of it.  It has also taught Scott and I that we do know what we're talking about. I don't say that in a boastful manner. Scott and I are people who are constantly reflecting as to whether or not we were correct, or should have done something this way or that, so it was a calming, joyful experience to see that the Spirit of discernment is in fact alive and well within us. That's pure grace to people who often wonder if they made the right decision. And finally, on an extremely personal note, I'd like to remind everyone to truly wait on the Lord. Yes, I can write blogs about thoughts and get up onstage and sing and dance for you, but talking about my faith.. talking about what I am witnessing Yahweh do in my life is extremely intimate and personal for me.. it's like being naked. However, nakedly, I want to say that Christ does take care of His people. The last ten-ish years of my life have often left me wondering if God was still around; if I still mattered to Him, or if He'd given up on me. The way I feel today is that of incredible gratitude and humble joy. I am ENTIRELY aware of my unworthiness before my Heavenly Father, and yet I see His provision abundantly present everywhere. He's not providing through money, or having someone randomly pay off all our student debt, or through a graduate degree, or through a new house, or any noted success or failure. He's provided through people; through relationships; through learning. Scott and I will never be rich and our names will never be known throughout the earth. We may contract horrible diseases, or even loose a child, but we are dearly loved. God has shown us grace upon grace through His people. And seeing that attention to us makes me want to make God happy. I don't know how else to say it. His goodness makes me want to make Him happy and I pray for the opportunities to do so.

So, there are my thoughts about the call process. I hope I came across as insightful, not conceded. If I came across as conceded I beg your forgiveness and fall upon grace. But more than that, I hope I came across as honest, that I might be fully known by my brethren. I don't claim perfection, I claim in-progress. So, yup. That's all.